New Chapters Are Scary!

     Welcome back to Josh's rarely seen, very occasional blog post. By now I have simply come to accept the fact that I will likely only make a new blog post once every 4-6 months, it's just the way my ADHD brain works I suppose. But, I don't think I mind that too much. This place has become an outlet for me to come to--albeit rarely--and unload my thoughts and what has been going on in my life. Which brings us to the topic of this particular bi-annual blog entry...

    I am at what appears to be the very beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. And... That is terrifying. 

    Over the last few months, everything that I thought I knew about my life, and where it was going to end up, was completely changed. Like come metaphorical DJ bringing the record to a scratching halt and reversing the spin--it may sound cool, but for now the lyrics are all backwards and the melody seems garbled.  

    I won't bore you with the details, but my life has most definitely been derailed. Perhaps that's why I haven't made much of an effort to post on social media as often as I used to. Or maybe it's also why my dry laundry hasn't been folded in over a week, and my living-room floor is covered in hay. My apartment is basically a giant bunny/man bachelor pad. Just me and Elliott, two bros trying our best. 

     This may make me sound depressed--and perhaps I am. But in reality, I think I have come to learn that I'm just afraid of change. I'm afraid of new things coming on too suddenly. So when they do, I tend to freeze. I lock myself into this solid state of being, and refuse to move in any direction because I'm terrified that the new--whatever it may be--is going to be too scary. 

    New beginnings are often scary. Whether they are:

        A young student starting their first 'big kid' job.

        A first-time parent welcoming their child into the world. 

        A person moving to a new city, where the don't know anyone. 

        Or, someone going through a break-up and entering into a whole new world of 'singleness' that they never thought they'd ever have to see again...

    New beginnings almost always feel like hitting the reset button on life. Like you are starting over from square one, and the unknown lurks around every corner. This, I think, is why we often find that starting new chapters in life can be so hard. 

    But, if there's anything I've learned over the last few months, it's that we never truly reset our lives. We always carry something of us into the next chapter. It may be old baggage, memories, lessons learned, or connections and communities built. These are all things that make us who we are and shape the life we are living. Something from these areas of life almost always trickles over into the next chapter. 

    Personally, I find that comforting. 

    My life right now is a mess. My apartment is unorganized, I haven't showered in two days, my diet is something that would make my mother cringe... But through all of it, I have the things I carried over from the last chapter to help me make it through this one. 

    New chapters may be scary. I go to bed feeling that every day. But it helps to remember that new chapters are never the first, and they aren't the last (hopefully not yet). They are just one piece to a much larger story. One that--if we're lucky--get's a happy ending.  

    So, on that note, I'll close out my thoughts. 2022 has been a very interesting year. It has not been anywhere near as amazing or optimistic as my last blog post seemed to have hoped for. But, it was a year in the life of Josh nonetheless. 

    I have learned a lot, and grown a lot as a person. I have faced the wrongs I have done, and been forced to learn how to grow from them. I have hurt those I love, and been hurt. I have been human... And that's okay. Now it's time to see what the rest of this chapter has in store before I start the next one and see what that new beginning has waiting for me. 

    To everyone reading this, no matter where you are in life, I hope you find comfort in knowing that we are never truly starting over from scratch. Just from a new beginning. 

            Kiitos,

- Josh