Why AM I in Finland?

  Hello again to those of you who are so kind to read this. It's been about a year since my last blog post, so we have a lot to talk about. Strap in, this is gonna be a long one.

    The last post I made was all about new chapters, and how we can embrace them and go into a new era bravely and without fear! Well... That was perhaps the bright optimism of someone writing a blog post in the midst of a manic island of happiness in a sea of what was otherwise a very depressing time of my life. But to explain that time of my life, I need to provide some back story. 

    The most commonly asked question I get--and I'd wager any foreigner in Finland gets--is 'why Finland?' This is a natural question. Finland is a small country, where people live in the forest and speak a funny Ewok language. Why would anyone want to move here? 

    Well, I've lived here for 5 years, and the answer has always been simple: I came here to be an Au pair, and I didn't really consider the country too much, I just went with a host family that I thought would be the best fit. Of course, I ended up loving Finland and the culture and I wanted to stay. But, most importantly, I fell in love with someone.  

    For the years that my ex-partner and I were together, I always told myself that I wasn't staying here just because of her--I genuinely loved Finland and it was great that I had her here too. I had always felt like Finland was just a great fit for me, and I didn't want to leave. 

    Then... The breakup happened. 

    In April of 2022 my partner and I split up. There's no need to get into details, or the how's and why's. The breakup happened nevertheless. This sent me into a very deep spiral of depression, feelings of misplacement, and an overall sense of emptiness. Suddenly, the question of why I am in Finland became much more difficult to answer. 

    The answer to why I came here still remains a simple story that I can tell with a smile and a few cute anecdotes. The answer to why I'm STILL here suddenly got a lot more complicated– because the circumstances became a lot more complicated. Suddenly I didn't have any one single thing keeping me here, and I was forced to ask myself... Was I really telling the truth when I said I loved Finland, and would I really stay now that I no longer have a partner here?

    In a snap that would make Thanos blush, every time I was questioned about my reasons for living in Finland became a punch to the stomach. I began to wonder if I really am willing to see this through for the long haul. 

    Do I really want to learn this language?

    Is it worth it to constantly miss my family and the life I grew up with?

    Is the struggle of constantly feeling like an outsider, no matter how well you adapt, really worth it?

    I genuinely didn't have an answer to these questions, and my entire life that I had built here had grown to feel empty and directionless. I wish I could say that I don’t still feel that way. However, I can say that after a year and a half of consideration… I do still love Finland. I love you all, and I love the moments of profound beauty, laughter, and even confusion that I still experience every day of my life here. 

    So, I guess in a funny way, that very simple answer to why I live in Finland became a lot simpler--by becoming a lot more complicated..? That makes my head hurt too, don't worry. 

    Now when I tell people I am still here because I love it, I actually do mean it. I mean it in a very profound way. I mean it because I had to learn to mean it. I mean it because I had to spend a year and a half finding the meaning behind it. I wish I had some beautiful words to describe the way that I feel about my life here, but I don't.  

    I am simply at peace. 

    The peace of why I am here comes at a cost, though. It forces me to find a new thing to examine in my life. Namely, why am I here (in the cosmic sense). What do I add to my life here? What do I add to my family, my friendships and my connections by being here?

As you can see, I’ve been feeling very existential.

    I wish I could say that I have answers. I have been wrestling with the purpose of who I am, and what I add to the people and events that I encounter every day. Unfortunately... I have no idea right now. 

I like to think that I add humor, creativity, compassion, and good company to those I love and care about–but I don’t often feel like that these days. So, how do I find an answer that satisfies me, and brings me the peace I am looking for?

    Maybe I will never know…

    So, that's where I stand now. That's the mindset of Josh as I type this blog post. I am still battling the sadness, depression, loneliness and anxiety that I have been battling for a very long time. 

    But, I am at peace with one thing: ‘Why am I in Finland?

Because I love Finland, and that's enough. 

    As for finding peace in the rest of my life… Maybe I'll have better insight in another year and a half. I hope that Josh will be proud of me for what I find. 

    I love you, Finland.

        Kiitos,

- Josh